Frankie

I am 22 years old and my name is Alyssa, but I go by Frankie🥰. I haven’t been able to get over my personal story.

No one really talks about the trauma that comes when a close friend or family member takes their life. June 15th, 2019 is the day my world fell apart. Everything was dark and my life was never going to be the same. This is when my best friend of 7 years wrote her last words and took her own life. At just 18 years she was gone.
My life has spiralled and I fell apart. The constant sadness I felt every day when thinking what would have happened if I would have done this or that! I could not understand.
I was so confused and mad at the world. I ended up isolating myself and I stopped eating. I started drinking alcohol and doing drugs. I wanted to feel anything that wasn’t normal. I wanted to pass out. I didn’t want to think, feel or remember. I wanted everything to stop. As the weeks went by, I dropped weight and started having an identity crisis. I became depressed and bedridden. I ended up with social anxiety and could no longer hold a proper conversation without having a few drinks. I became what doctors call Alcohol Dependent.
To this day when I think about my friend I still cry. I still visit her often in the cemetery. I feel that helps me in a way, and that I’m closer to her, even if it’s just her body down there. I feel like my friend’s story became my story in a way: when she took her life she took mine with her. A year or so later I tried to take my own life as I kept blaming myself.
Four years have passed and I have done some self-work counselling through I Am Hope as well as started boxing. I also dance full time now, which is something…
I still suffer from extreme anxiety, and have a drinking problem, but I am trying to get better, day by day, for her. I live moment to moment, one day at a time, recreating and finding myself, learning to live with all of this and love myself again.