I am three years away from my fortieth birthday. Perhaps the dawning of this milestone, coupled with a sudden paradigm shift in my religious views just over a year ago, resulted in what others describe as a “midlife crisis”. I call it my “midlife rediscovery”. Perhaps the catalyst to my “existential crisis” was just my coming to the end of myself – who knows. What I do know however, is that I am no longer surviving this journey, but am now living an exceedingly abundant and passionate life.
Raised in Namibia, I was sexually molested as a child, raped twice as an adolescent, and eventually fell pregnant at age 16. My eldest son (of four) is one of only three people in the world with his specific congenital heart defect – resulting in him waiting for a heart transplant. I mention this only because many seek to understand my perceived recklessness through an “informed” lens centred on my prior, character-forming experiences. There may be some semblance of justification to this notion.
The father of my three subsequent children is perfect in every way – we had a wonderful – enviable marriage for nearly 17 years, until I burnt out as I sought to uphold perfection in the various constructs I found myself in. He, even today, says that I was indeed the perfect wife, the perfect mother, the perfect homesteader, the perfect student and the perfect religious devotee.
I left all of that behind in 2018 to find who I truly was again. To date I have lost 49kgs. I have resumed pursuing my passions and have enjoyed a plethora of social experiences that make my every single day pure delight.
I have changed: from a religious fundamentalist devotee, to an agnostic Pan-Romantic pleasure-seeker; from home-schooling, stay-at-home mother, to a transient woman who has daily telephone contact – and fortnightly physical contact with her children; from being mortgage-free after owning my own home since the age of 20, to house-sitting now, and as yet undecided as to which country I will call home next year.
I have changed so much so that countless friends tell me that they do not know this, new, changed Simone. I tell them that this is the True Simone.
“I hated school. I had a teacher named Mr Anaru. He didn’t understand me.. why I couldn’t stop moving why I was always “overly excited”.
My mother, my brother and my sister were physically and psychologically abused by my father until we were saved by my “Miru” family and my Apelu family.
Mr Anaru placed me in the corner with no learning material for the majority of my primary school years at Dominion Rd Primary school. No kids wanted to play with me. Not even my brother.
I fucking hated school.
1 father, 1 brother, 1 sister, 1 mom
“YOU WAIT TILL YOU GET HOME BOY!”
My father was sick. He looked me in the eyes and said to me: “You don’t even look like me! Your mom must have fucked your uncle Whipper! Look at you!.” but he would always contradict himself by saying “remember. I made you, I can destroy you!”
I remained still, quiet, and thought ‘why dad?.. Why did you say this?’
1 brother, 1 sister, 1 mom
Tears in my eyes, hands clasped together. My brother laughed at me as I begged god for the beatings to stop. (I haven’t prayed in front of anyone except my friend Sarah since.)
My mom came home and the beatings stopped.
Mom saved me.
I then sat in my room listening to my mom gasping for air as my father strangled her.
1 sister, 1 mother.
My sister laughed at me running away from her when my father gave her his belt to “teach me”.
1 mother.
At age 7, I would run in front of West Auckland traffic in hopes the cars would “save me”
I said to mom: “I feel like I wasn’t supposed to be born.”
She said to me.. “shut up and stop thinking like that.. you don’t ever say that!”
1 mother.
The scars have held power over me until I turned thirty this year.
I’ve burned so many bridges because I chose to ignore my “numbness” and accept my “weaknesses” and my instabilities in this life.. I’ve used people who have loved me. I’ve stolen money out of my moms wallet. I’ve cheated on women and used them for purely nothing but my own pleasure.
At the bottom of my well of darkness..
My mom sat there with me saying:“You don’t give up my boy.”“My boy” was all I needed to hear.
Only once I began to accept that I was weak and sick and unaccepting of others – did I start healing my scars.
Every action is measured by the sentiment from which it proceeds.. Yes. but, we need to acknowledge that an action or thought could be a taught pattern of toxicity… Accept yourself, and you reclaim yourself in complete wholeness.”
– Alexander “Zanda” Adlam
Frank had just returned a lost supermarket trolley when I introduced myself at the Milford mall carpark. I saw Frank many times before, always walking briskly from Takapuna to Milford, his back very badly hunched, carrying a large sack on his shoulder. Frank was delighted to strike a conversation and explained that he makes some money by collecting bits of scrap metal from the streets and recycling it. He is “on the benefit” and gets ten or fifteen dollars a week from his lawyer (???). He was on his way to the beach to collect shells which he then glues onto bottles. He also decorates vases with shells and wants me to visit his home as no other photographer agreed to take photos of his art. He likes making crosses out of wood and covering them with shells. He finds pieces of wood on the streets or when he helps out on building sites – ideally cedar wood!
He was kicked out from his foster home when the landlord died, the landlady died too. There used to be a way to transform bottles into lamps but that kit is hard to get now…
I dropped him back at the beach when we finished and he was delighted when I said that I will send him an A4 print by post.
“Life is fluid. Always moving, never stopping. Seconds to minutes to hours to days to weeks to months to years. From birth to death. Then a photo freezes me in time. Holding that moment for all to see, never again can that moment be captured. Time, after that second, has moved on. I can only look at that photo now and remember the experience. That, is who I was, then.”
“NOTHING last forever not feelings not your bad situation nothing !! I’ve had this weird negative outlook on New Zealand for a long while I will always be a kiwi and appreciate the natural beauty of the country but the economy is seriously fucked and tall poppy syndrome is all to real stop cutting each other down !! be happy for other people’s success instead of been jealous or trying to find a way to exploit them personally when someone tells me about something good they are doing or something they are proud of I am genuinely happy for them and praise their efforts or even offer my help. this year I’ve walked away from people I thought would be in my life forever but have been rewarded with New beautiful souls who add to my life in a positive way. Often now when I meet new people I here whispers of oh she’s a rich kid or she’s got it easy. I just smile because the reality is I’m not “from money”
I made money my first job was actually McDonald’s it taught me lots I learnt to treat people with respect no matter what they looked like because hey everyone eats at maccas , millionaires the homeless everyone .. eventually I became a sex worker it got more hate than anyone I know for doing the oldest trade in the world. I invested wisely and it paid off I retired at the start of the year brought houses mortgage free and now I am working on projects so I can employ and help others. I did exactly what so many said I could not .
Exactly 4 years ago today I was going to kill myself I had no support no one to turn to for some absolute miracle I didn’t I pulled myself out of the shit I was a junky a meth addict I couldn’t see the light so I made my own. I always remember that is where I came from try stay humble and appreciate what I have Check up on your mates praise people for been good and get off your arses and do something instead of been jealous today I am 4 years meth clean and fucking proud “
https://ilanwittenberg.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/ipa-Honourable-Mention-2019-Woman-on-a-Tree.jpg994761Ilan Wittenberghttps://ilanwittenberg.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/03/Ilan-Wittenberg-Logo-version-4.jpgIlan Wittenberg2019-09-13 15:13:092019-09-13 15:19:35ipa 2019 Honourable Mention – Woman on a Tree
Delighted to win four Awards out of four print entries at the 2019 Australian Professional Photography Awards [APPA] by the AIPP. Established in 1963, AIPP promotes the profession of photography, enhancing the skill and knowledge of professional photographers. APPA is largest awards for professional print photography in Australia. A panel of five expert judges are looking for exceptional images that inspire and impress: images that exhibit visual and emotional impact, innovation and creativity. APPA is awarding prints that demonstrate excellence in skill, craftsmanship and conceptual development of an idea.
Woman on a Tree, Sliver with Distinction – 2019 APPA: Portrait In Camera
Woman on a Tree is an exploration of opposing forces: life and death, young and old, power and vulnerability, soft and hard. Its pertinence lies in the symbolism of contradictions. Contradictions are all around us. Humans continue to exploit and overwhelm the natural environment with industrial pollution despite global warming, and its ever present impact on earth. The dead tree, scarred from fires, represents mother nature’s vulnerability to the forces we inflict upon her. I explore the paradox that humanity needs trees to live, yet we keep cutting them down. Despite the beautiful environment being subject to incessant abuse, western society considers itself to be thriving, ignorant to greater issues. The interaction between the human form and the tree is like a love dance. An intimate moment, where the body caresses the tree and with that, offers a gentle apology, a moment of compassion. Humans can empathise with nature’s scars. We have scars too. Some are visible and others are hidden: scars from neglect, abuse, addiction or violence. We have the power to conceal our scars yet the tree is forever exposed. This woman is bare, reflecting the state of the tree. Demonstrating that despite paradoxical contradictions which taint our relationship with earth, we can still find comfort, as she does here. Comfort in one’s skin and comfort in the company of nature. The story that accompanies this piece invites the viewer to reflect on their own identity politics, creating a moment to contemplate our complex relationship with nature. I depict the woman in her most natural state, one with nature. By embracing the human form in all its glory and portraying the woman and tree side by side, it is my vision that the viewer embraces nature as a precious ephemeral organism that needs to be cherished and protected.
Amy, Sliver – 2019 APPA: Portrait In Camera
”I was diagnosed with grade 3 aggressive breast cancer in January 2016. My family has the BRCA1 mutation. Each child of a carrier has a 50% chance of inheriting the gene and each carrier has extremely high risk of cancer. Five of my six great aunts died of cancer by their forties. I had four different chemotherapy drug treatments as well as radiation treatment. Luckily, I had a positive response to treatment and the 5 cm tumour was totally destroyed. I underwent bilateral mastectomy with a two phase silicon reconstruction as well as a total Salpingo-oophorectomy. I also had a hysterectomy surgical operation to remove my uterus. Knowing I have beaten what by nature ought to have been certain death, gives me a sense of immediacy and urgency in life. There is no sense in waiting or hesitating because there is no guarantee of tomorrow!”
Maasai, Sliver – 2019 APPA: Travel
The Maasai inhabit the African Great Lakes region and arrived via the South Sudan. The Maasai are famous for their fearsome reputations as warriors and cattle-rustlers. Maasai society is strongly patriarchal in nature, with elder men, sometimes joined by retired elders, deciding most major matters for each Maasai group. A full body of oral law covers many aspects of behavior. Formal execution is unknown, and normally payment in cattle will settle matters. An out-of-court process is also practiced called ‘amitu’, ‘to make peace’, or ‘arop’, which involves a substantial apology. The monotheistic Maasai worship a single deity called Enkai or Engai. Engai has a dual nature: Engai Narok (Black God) is benevolent, and Engai Na-nyokie (Red God) is vengeful. There are also two pillars or totems of Maasai society: Oodo Mongi, the Red Cow and Orok Kiteng, the Black Cow with a subdivision of five clans or family trees. The maasai also has a totemic animal which is the lion however, the animal can be killed. The way the Maasai kill the lion differs from trophy hunting as it is used in the rite of passage ceremony. The “Mountain of God”, Ol Doinyo Lengai, is located in northernmost Tanzania and can be seen from Lake Natron in southernmost Kenya. The central human figure in the Maasai religious system is the laibon whose roles include shamanistic healing, divination and prophecy, and ensuring success in war or adequate rainfall. Today, they have a political role as well due to the elevation of leaders. Whatever power an individual laibon had was a function of personality rather than position. Many Maasai have also adopted Christianity and Islam. The Maasai are known for their intricate jewelry.
The piercing and stretching of earlobes is common among the Maasai as with other tribes. Various materials have been used to both pierce and stretch the lobes, including thorns for piercing, twigs, bundles of twigs, stones, the cross section of elephant tusks and empty film canisters.
As a historically nomadic and then semi-nomadic people, the Maasai have traditionally relied on local, readily available materials and indigenous technology to construct their housing. The traditional Maasai house was in the first instance designed for people on the move and was thus very impermanent in nature. The houses are either somewhat rectangular shaped with extensions or circular, and are constructed by able-bodied women.
The structural framework of a typical hut is formed of timber poles fixed directly into the ground and interwoven with a lattice of smaller branches wattle, which is then plastered with a mix of mud, sticks, grass, cow dung, human urine, and ash. The cow dung ensures that the roof is waterproof. The enkaj or engaji is small, measuring about 3 × 5 m and standing only 1.5 m high. Within this space, the family cooks, eats, sleeps, socializes, and stores food, fuel, and other household possessions. Small livestock are also often accommodated within the enkaji. Villages are enclosed in a circular fence (an enkang) built by the men, usually of thorned acacia, a native tree. At night, all cows, goats, and sheep are placed in an enclosure in the centre, safe from wild animals.
Shúkà is the Maa word for sheets traditionally worn wrapped around the body. These are typically red, though with some other colors such as blue and plaid patterns. Pink, even with flowers, is not shunned by warriors. One piece garments known as kanga, a Swahili term, are common. Maasai near the coast may wear kikoi, a type of sarong that comes in many different colors and textiles. However, the preferred style is stripes.
Many Maasai in Tanzania wear simple sandals, which were until recently made from cowhides. They are now soled with tire strips or plastic. Both men and women wear wooden bracelets. The Maasai women regularly weave and bead jewellery. This beadwork plays an essential part in the ornamentation of their body. Although there are variations in the meaning of the color of the beads, some general meanings for a few colors are: white, peace; blue, water; red, warrior/blood/bravery.
Beadworking, done by women, has a long history among the Maasai, who articulate their identity and position in society through body ornaments and body painting. Before contact with Europeans, the beads were produced mostly from local raw materials. White beads were made from clay, shells, ivory, or bone. Black and blue beads were made from iron, charcoal, seeds, clay, or horn. Red beads came from seeds, woods, gourds, bone, ivory, copper, or brass. When late in the nineteenth century, great quantities of brightly colored European glass beads arrived in Southeast Africa, beadworkers replaced the older beads with the new materials and began to use more elaborate color schemes. Currently, dense, opaque glass beads with no surface decoration and a naturally smooth finish are preferred.
Drought, Sliver – 2019 APPA: Portrait In Camera
This image represents drought. Climate change has brought drastic changes to many regions on earth. Global warming is causing severe drought. Huge areas that were once fertile are no longer suitable for agriculture. Millions of people are already impacted by these catastrophic changes. A deadly civil war in Syria has erupted when the government decreased the allocation of irrigation water to farmers. Vast regions in Iran are no longer cultivated and the population is helpless. They cannot grow any fruits or vegetables. The earth is dry and so is the woman’s skin, both are cracked. The woman is bare, she is completely exposed – just like our land. This is a desperate call to stop the devastating impact of industrial pollution on our planet.
“I am due to be 65 years old (New Zealand’s retirement age) in early December 2019. I have a very aggressive cancer and am in palliative care after two chemotherapy rounds and a failed drug trial. I’m hoping to stay well enough to make that date or better. I have been a “dead man walking” since a burst colon tumour nearly took me out with septicemia, and that certainty transformed and tested my philosophical outlook. I have been very surprised that my previous lip service to my beliefs have now actually been tested and find me in a very rich part of my life. My collateral has always been in relationships, not cash currency and I’ve found this never devalues. Indeed I’m overwhelmed by the support and love returning my way from family, friends and acquaintances, much of it from the many wonderful people working in this often devastating area of care. I have never been more relaxed in my attitude to life and am sensitive to the fact that my calm demeanour attracts simple smiles, gifts and shared enjoyment. Likewise, my forthright opinions and dark humour are often very challenging, but go figure? Why blues music?
Tunnelling down to try to fathom this wonderous shift has not revealed any deliberate or constructed effort. I will take this gift and, while my quality of life is medically managed, try to maintain my voluntary activities with Hospice and elsewhere the need is felt.
Born in a relatively impoverished inner-city suburb with a fabulous mixed ethnicity, I enjoyed primary and intermediate school with good if challenged teachers and a great local library. During my parents’ discord and break up, books were my refuge. It was a household of drink and violence from my father, deep love and sacrifice from my mother.
My life has been strongly influenced by necessity and responsibility. Healthwise I have been free, by and large, of injury or disease and that has allowed me to spot the gap and with some tantalising risk, embark on photographic and maritime adventures when responsibilities lessened. Of course we navigate much of our life with youth’s immortal horizon. I used to say I liked the sound of deadlines whistling by, but no more.
My siblings and I lost our mother to high blood pressure, stress, and little available support, when I was 17 years old. With an absent father, and having just started work, I supported my younger brother and sister through their secondary school years. We ate well on very little because of a socialist food co-operative. My philosophy was forming along with a period of intense and at that time obscure soft-style martial arts training with a weighting toward meditation and energy integration. I have always been grateful that mum passed on her interest in photography, which, at age 7, along with a boat trip, cemented two combined lifelong passions. I have lived aboard yachts, photographed them, and enjoyed that wonderful lifestyle that our sparkling waters provide.
I progressed to a series of technically skilled high-end jobs including teaching. Although low paid these jobs allowed for a parallel passionate development in personal documentary and fine arts efforts. Maintaining an active exhibiting profile fell to one side due to financial constraints. The work however, which is always primary, has continued unabated, if unrecognised, in the fine arts arena. I’m currently looking to house my marine archive.
I became a solo parent to my two year old son after completing a documentary project. He returned to his mother at age 12 and then moved to Australia when he was 17. I have a daughter from a subsequent relationship, access to whom was very sadly limited. I have been recently blessed by Eamonn and Laura gifting us a grandson. Life is a circle.
I am currently very busy trying to organise things for my passing, to save anguish for my loved ones in the rather unknown time ahead. The time feels short, the list long. I’m planning a “Way out Party” to gather with and enjoy my friends and family as soon as is practical, to help them ease into their grief process in a face+to-face farewell, with laughter, ribald stories and much love. Boats will play a part in my crossing the bar.
My very unconventional urn will reside under Mum’s memorial tree, planted by Bruce, Linda and myself when I turned 50 years old. The tree overlooks my wondrous Hauraki Gulf and its islands from above the bay where I lived aboard my yacht for eight years. Traumatised by Mum’s early death it was devastating many years later to return to the cemetery and find they had lost the ashes. The now 3m high tree and its simple bench and plaque, is a place to stand, rest and remember. I am very happy with these arrangements.
Enough of that rough sea!
Being a photographer, I rarely am caught north of the lens hence my appearance here as a record. What have I learned about Photography? Only two things matter:
1. It’s where you stand
2. It’s when you trip the shutter Practice refining this for as long as possible.
Add a decent amount of saltwater. Mix well. Enjoy the Journey.”
https://ilanwittenberg.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/DSC08025-Edit-3-1.jpg12801919Ilan Wittenberghttps://ilanwittenberg.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/03/Ilan-Wittenberg-Logo-version-4.jpgIlan Wittenberg2019-08-08 22:24:552022-03-29 15:43:24Paul Gilbert – Bare Truth
Bronze Award for Embracingin the Portrait category of the 2020 Rise Photography Awards & Acceptance at 2020 PSNZ National Exhibition, Open Print
“…In the context of the 21st century, it is difficult to make an artistic statement in the medium of nude photography, given the proliferation of pornographic imagery – which has tainted the artistic subject in the perception of most viewers, limiting the opportunities to exhibit or publish artistic nude images.
In presenting this series, I offer an opportunity to contemplate and appreciate the juxtaposition between human and nature: soft flesh and harsh environment; life and stillness; white and black. The use of monochrome emphasises the nude shape and form, removing distracting elements to ensure that you focus on the beautiful feminine body language. These photographs portray powerful and independent women who are depicted through fresh, inspiring and original artwork.”
Editor’s comment: Composed and lit with such care and attention, this image is a strong indication of the level of skill and dedication the photographer applies to their work. A blend of fine art, contemporary portraiture and iconography, this image is both arresting and subtle, and it would be interesting to see how the style and narrative unfolds across a full series. – Life Framer THE HUMAN BODY Editor’s Pick
